I've Lost Something This Year

When I first started trail running, it was all about the adventure: exploring, packing a bag full of snacks, getting lost in nature.

I started slow. In races I was always mid to bottom of the pack, yet it didn't matter because the focus was on completing events I found exciting, not competing against others.

I had some truly wonderful adventures: days where the focus was to travel on foot across the landscape at a comfortable speed, stopping to smell the roses & take in my surroundings.

Something changed though.

I started getting a little faster, started caring about my time, my position, how well I executed.

I can pinpoint it to the RIDUM in 2023, where, knowing it was a distance I could tackle, I pushed myself hard and placed top 20 for the first time. Following that I podiumed my first event at the Hateful 8 in March 2024. Maybe, if I worked hard, I could be at the sharp end of the spear in other events? Maybe I could get a Pegasus top 5 trophy??!

Suddenly my shoe choices were based on how hard I could push in them over distance, my fuelling plan changed from real tasty food to gels I could more efficiently digest, I focused on minimising aid station time, removed walking breaks, learned to maximise my hydration.

I told everyone I wanted to enjoy the Epona 100, take in the beauty that is so boundless in the Welsh mountains, yet my focus on the day was push, get ahead, do well, place high. I was almost withdrawn due to heat exhaustion before the half way point.

I talked about how I wanted to take it steady at the EDDUM, treat the course with respect and save my energy for the tougher second half. Instead I ran like the devil and ended in one of the most soul destroying death marches I have ever experienced.

It all came to a head recently at the Celtic Trails Ultra. I started the race with a joyless fuelling strategy of Precision Hydration gels, salt tablets, and nothing else, pushed myself too hard, felt decimated by 30k and spent the remainder of the race slogging on. I placed worse than last year...and took longer to finish.

And here's the rub:

That RIDUM race in 2023? I didn't enjoy it at all. I couldn't tell you what the course looked like, barely took a photo the whole way, I was too busy racing.

Celtic Trails? Gorgeous scenery, a rare clear sky over Dare Valley, and there I was spoiling it by focusing on beating an arbitrary time.

There were moments on the Epona that will stick with me forever: cruising down the spine of Skirrid Fawr with views for miles, stopping atop Tor y Foel and seeing how far I'd come that day, watching the sun rise over the Black Mountains after a rough night of plodding. None of those had anything to do with my pace or position, it was where I was running that mattered.

This all comes to mind as I go into 2025: I have committed to the Wild Horse, 200 miles over up to 5 days across terrain that is both stunning and brutal.

If I approach it like I have approached my events in 2024, I will be miserable, focused on being as competitive as I can, which seems a shame when, in reality, I should be focused on absorbing every inch of the beauty around me, soaking in the adventure I am so privileged to have.

So I stand at a crossroads. To the left is my current path: pushing the pace, getting faster, ranking higher, gearing for performance. To the right is why I started: running for joy, stopping to smell the roses, fuelling with tasty food, relaxing, exploring.

...I think I'll turn right.